Phases of Identity

When people come out, there is sometimes pushback where people will say things like, "Oh this is just a phase. You’ll grow out of it.” This dismissiveness of one’s identity tends to put the person coming out on the defensive, saying things like "I know this isn't a phase, this is who I am.”

I focus here on this ‘counter-dismissiveness’. Though it is true that one’s self understanding and self-labeling tends to be stable throughout much of their life, it's okay, good even, for people to go through phases. We all go through phases all the time. We change careers or employer, we change what hobbies interest us, our friend groups… all of these change over time. So much of what makes us who we are changes over the years. So why do we act as though it is bad if an identity of gender or sexuality is a phase? Why do we act as though it is wrong if the label we come out with doesn't stick?

Phases are part of our journey! So let people discover who they are and trust people when they tell you who they are and that they are giving you the best representation of themselves at that moment. Maybe it will change and maybe it won't. It is not for us to judge, it is for us to honor and value and respect because life is a complicated and messy journey and we shouldn't feel compelled to stay stuck because 45 years ago we told some people that's who we were then. If that's not who we are now we should allow others and ourselves the freedom to explore and evolve and to be right until we're wrong and to find new meaning in who we are and who we want to be.