Parental role celebration days when they are complicated
As Mother’s Day approaches I reflect upon the many strong women in my life. Some who lead the way in my career, others who raised me, loved me and held my hand when I was scared, excited or sad. And then there are those women who have come “after” me. Those that are younger than me. Many who have inspired and taught me a great deal. We all have come from someone that gave birth to us, but we all did not have a mother who loved and nurtured us. Some did and many did not. So this day, like Father’s Day, can be very painful. These type of commemorative parental role celebrations may trigger painful memories while isolating people unintentionally. All our histories have invisible yet profound wounds that can leave us feeling as though we are never enough. Or that something is deeply wrong with us, a constant sense of shame or a lack of self worth.
These complicated role celebrations may trigger those affected and leave them stressed about how to handle these dates. Should I just send a card and get it over with? Show up to the party and snub my mom? Leave the country? Or, do I continue to pretend everything is just fine even though she continues to create chaos in my life? Each person has to decide what is right for their life as not everyone can go incommunicado. Some people reach a full and radical acceptance of a chaotic parent who is unable or unwilling to change. This acceptance is an important step toward coming to terms with a dramatic, toxic or narcissistic parent in your life.
If this is the case, it is time to stop trying to change with the hope that they will treat you better. Stop apologizing for their unhealthy behavior and twisted thinking. It is time to get real education about their character disorder so that you can find the specific type of boundaries that will create a healthy life for you. Radically accept that they cannot change. Radically decide for yourself that you want to make changes for yourself.
If you do choose to go to a mother’s day dinner, do it in honor of that beloved aunt or celebrate the grandmother that was always consistent and loving. Celebrate your kind neighbor who you see doing a good job raising their children. Celebrate the parent that did show up, regardless of gender (lots of dads are really great moms and vice versa). Or celebrate yourself. Or the young women who are courageously leading the way in the 21st century. And maybe even consider that we can move away from a gender, that this is about the people who have been there for us, through the good times and the difficult ones.
I acknowledge you. I acknowledge the impact that this has had in your life. Before you decide how to handle these upcoming Parental Role Commerative Holidays, step back and start by being kind to yourself. Reflect on the fact that you did not create the parental system in which you were raised. Accept that though it has created dissonance in your life, you can and should allow non-guilt ridden space for these feelings. Space to reflect, understand and repair. Take good care of yourself first.