Be an Affirming Parent
Many transgender and nonbinary children want their parents support, but they are unsure how to talk about gender and sexuality with their parents. They fear being rejected, kicked out of the house, threatened, or worse.
Researchers have found high rates of depression, substance abuse, self-harm, suicidal ideation among transgender youth. Therapists who work with transgender and nonbinary teens tell us the outcomes for children with supportive parents are dramatically different from children who have unsupportive or rejecting parents. The importance of parental support for transgender and nonbinary children cannot be understated. So, what can you do to support your child? Here are some ways you can show support:
• Use appropriate pronouns and your child’s chosen name.
Assist your child in exploring social transition.
Work with your child’s school to ensure access to bathrooms and supportive classroom practices, e.g., name and pronouns on school materials.
Prevent bullying and address it immediately if it happens.
Access gender-affirming medical and therapeutic services.
Prevent and address cruelty and harm.
Allow your child to be real and authentic – and love them/him/ her unconditionally.
You might begin reflecting on your own sense of loss, addressing family and community relationships, or challenging your own beliefs about gender. You might feel confused, fearful, disbelieving, or even angry. You might be afraid for your child, and worry about keeping them/him/her safe. You might wonder about medical interventions to support your child’s gender process – including puberty blockers, hormone replacement therapy (HRT), or other medical interventions. As a parent, it is important to remain affirming and supportive of your child while you work to process your own feelings and concerns. Seek out appropriate professional guidance or appropriate educated peer support groups so you can do this on your own, apart from your child. If your child is depressed or anxious, as is the case with many transgender and nonbinary, you might believe your child is confused about gender because of mental health problems. In fact, it is more likely your child’s depression or anxiety is rooted in their/his/her struggle with actual or anticipated societal disapproval. In many cases, as your child comes out, gains acceptance and feels hopeful about the future, the depression or anxiety will lessen or resolve entirely. You might consider seeking therapy or affirming coaching– for you, your child or for the entire family.
What to Do:
Has your child come out as transgender or nonbinary? The first thing you might want is information, which includes the concepts of sex, gender identity, gender expression, and what is meant by transgender and nonbinary. Your child’s sexuality is separate but interacts with gender identity, and sexual orientation occurs along a spectrum.
People tend to use the terms “sex” and “gender” interchangeably. While connected, the two terms are not the same. Generally, we assign a newborn’s sex as either male or female, the binary system, based on the baby’s genitals. Once a sex is assigned, we presume the child’s gender.
However, gender identity is our internal experience and naming of our gender not based on our genitals.
Gender expression is just that, how we express our gender to the world which is also a large continuum from the feminine to masculine, both, neither and a lot in between.
GenderSpectrum.org and Wpath.org are 2 great resources and also have some online support groups. Check out your local PFLAG support groups for more guidance.
Lets reflect:
Up to this point, what have you done to affirm their/his/her gender and show your support?
What challenges have you had and how are you addressing them? Be specific.
What are your fears?
You might want a deeper understanding of your child’s thoughts, feelings, and desires. Sometimes children will drop a “coming out” bombshell, and say little more about it. Communication might break down completely, but it is important to keep the line of communication open. Set up a time to talk with your child to ask questions and plan for the social transition. Discuss with your child whether and when to initiate a social transition. Write down a plan.
As the parent you need to initiate a meeting with your child’s school to request proper use of name, pronouns, address any safety concerns, bathrooms and any other accommodations your child may want. The process of transitioning will go better for them when they surround themselves with loving and trusted adults and communicate clearly with their parents. These adults include school officials and teachers. Educate them if necessary. There are many outreach programs that will help with your school.
Be an AFFIRMING parent!