Hello My Baby
In 1993 my husband and I were expecting our first child. We were absolutely thrilled. As we planned for our new arrival lots of questions came up about how to care for the new born, where to live, what school to send them to, what day care, how to change a diaper, breast feeding, formula, do I return to work. The list was quite long. One thing we never asked was the gender of this child. As my belly grew, preparations evolved, doctors appointments were attended and we still never asked.
Even when the doctor offered, we declined. And only very rarely did anyone ask us if we were going to find out. We simply did not care. Why would we?
What was important was how we were going to parent, what environment we brought this child home to and what we could give to this child. Why do we have children? Why does any one have children?
We painted the baby’s room, well, my husband did, tan and turquoise with a baby coyote singing to the moon with a cute baby cactus in the background. I had 3 baby showers. Yup! That is what we called them. Baby showers focused on helping the new mom and the new family prepare for the baby, with gifts that would ease the burden of the cost that comes from having a new life enter your home. Also, baby showers were a great time to share the secrets of child rearing. Old wives tales of what to do when the baby gets sick, how to clip toe nails, how to bring down a temperature, what to do with the postpartum blues and things that you just do not think of because you have never experienced this before.
I did not know the sex of my second child either. His room was bright yellow with sunflowers. Both of my children were the best surprises of my life and they both have grown into their own genders letting me know who they are. Very beautifully.
I would like to gently nudge a journey back to a time when we embraced a shared experience of having baby showers with the intent to share in the experience of healthy children and families. Let’s move away from putting so much pressure and focus on a construct of a binary system . It boxes people and children in that may or may not grow up into what the “gender reveal” party that was thrown in their honor. And in fact can be quite harmful to their identification.
Gender reveal parties can be exclusionary and humiliating to those that do not fit in the binary construct. For example, inviting a non binary person to a pink and blue gender reveal party for them to pick what gender they think the baby will be. Hmmmmm? And that can include the child in the womb for whom the party is for. Gender reveal parties have gotten so far away from the idea of helping the new family bring into the world this new life. It now focuses on what the baby brings to the family. That seems like a selfish burden to place on a new born.
Does this mean you shouldn’t celebrate these wonderful milestones that come with pregnancy and giving birth. Of course not. What matters is to be inclusive for all, especially the child. Celebrate the child in a way that is less pink and blue and more focused on the gifts of life.